Now that my children are having children (I am literally in a hospital waiting room as I write this while my daughter gives birth to our sixth grandchild) I find myself reflecting on who I was as a parent. I inevitably come back to the same regret, which may be too strong a word for this feeling: I wish that I had understood what kids are capable of doing and what they’re not capable of doing. In other words: what is normal behavior for children and adolescents. Had I had a better understanding of this I would not have been so anxious or frustrated with my children for doing things that were really just standard operating procedure: avoiding, defying, underperforming, lying, etc. I would have normalized, as I do now, many of the behaviors that people will seek to diagnose (Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ADHD Pathological Demand Avoidance, Bipolar Disorder).
The idea that parenting is about creating safety is an important understanding of our role. To that end, I typically suggest to parents that they are simply putting up guardrails. They are creating a set of expectations for their children, and then outlining a response (consequence) if they choose not to meet those expectations. “”Choose” is the right word there; we would not create an expectation that children can’t meet, and most kids have a lot more capacity for self regulation than we think they do. That said, it’s important to allow children the space to make mistakes. Allow them space to make decisions for their own lives. In this way the guardrails that we create keep those decisions from harming them. Done right, guardrails create boundaries that kids will eventually choose not to cross, but they get to screw up in the middle. They can learn a lot from making mistakes, they can learn a lot from enduring consequences, all while having safe emotional access to their parents.
Normalizing children’s behavior helps us to not freak out when they do stuff that makes us crazy; when they fight with us about ridiculous topics simply to push forward their own sense of themselves. When these all look normal to parents then their emotional response is much more contained and appropriate to the situation. When we are those parents, we’re much more able to be emotionally present for our children. They should always know that their mistakes don’t make our love go away, not for an instant.